usually, only the embarrassed are the ones that remember that moment

Today probably goes down as one of the worst lessons I have ever had.  Take your pick as to why: being mortified by crying out of frustration, my not stopping horse throwing on the brakes at cross rails, or my back refusing to stop seizing.  The last bit started when I tried to clean my house earlier and my husband told me I should not try to ride.  Lesson learned: don't clean my house (and maybe listen to my husband, but only maybe).

It highlights something the atomic mare has been forcing me to do lately: keep everything in perspective.  I found out three weeks ago If she doesn't jump for a month, she starts making a to-do about jumping again.  So it is back to square one, though going forward does not take as long.  Her flat work has taken more patience that I knew I had and trusting the trainer I started working with this past spring, even when I was totally giving up hope.  I am eternally grateful that asking for the left lead now results in the lead I want, sometimes, rather than running sideways at Mach 10 or kicking out hard enough that I see feet flying next to my head (still can't figure out how that works).  Staying in the game has required a lot of reflection on the three steps forward, two steps back phenomena... Remember, this means you still get some where, just not as fast as you think you ought to.

Where you think you ought to be, now that's a funny thing in itself.  What is that really based on?  Erroneously, I base my thoughts on everyone around me.  I see people the same age as I am doing things faster with horses than I do and go the places I dream I go.  But, basing my ought to-s on that is a mistake.  It does not take into account all the other factors or what they do to achieve them and what personal goals I have already accomplished.  Comparing yourself to others is not worth while, especially when you may not even be aiming for the same goals or have the same obsticles to clear on the way.  Hell, some of their accomplishments may come at a price you wouldn't be willing to pay.

Here are some things I have always wanted... And I mean little girl dreams:

- have my own farm

- get a track horse and retrain it (I started applying for the TRF adoptable horses as soon as I moved to MD at 14 and based a spreadsheet analysis of why I should own a horse versus lease on buying a track horse, which was presented as part of a larger plea to my parents)

- compete at Fair Hill on a horse I found and built up from scratch

Here is how far those dreams have come:

- I own 23.5 acres in horse country and my husband is building a run-in shed.

- I have two OTTBs I found myself and sold a third a while ago

- well, once we get to BN, who knows ;)

Guess I'm not doing so badly.

Last spring, I could not canter without the atomic mare exploding nor could I go near a cross rail outside without massive drama.  Rails on the ground one day sent her broncing badly enough we almost jumped out onto the road.  So, today may be on my current top ten list of terrible rides, but I can't remember some of the former list makers, so they can't matter that much in the big scheme of things.